Remembering the Retreat

Today, Friday, November 20, would have been the MPHS DECA Leadership Retreat. For each of the past 21 years my students and I would have spent several weeks getting ready. Kids would have been choosing and refining the agenda, getting all the props and supplies ready for the various activities, packing the tubs for each puzzle group, creating checklists and more checklists, getting 120 carwash jars ready, fretting about what to bring for their special thing, struggling with whether or not they really wanted to go, and wondering what the heck this is all about. I would tell new students how we came to be doing this and talk about how it evolved. I would tell them simply that when we finished the first one, in answer to a query from his classmates about what we did at the Retreat, Ben James said in class the next day, “We laughed and we cried,” and then he went back to sculpting a clay hand coming out of his table. Through 21 years, in so many ways that continued to be true; we laughed and we cried.

The Retreat had both large group and small group activities. The small groups were called Puzzle Groups. Briefly, the agenda included ice breakers, team building activities, along with preparing and delivering a skit. Meals and (modest) sleeping arrangements were provided. After dinner was “A Few Words” and then after that was the Boundary Breaking. The Boundary Breaking was scheduled for 3 ½ hours. By the time we got to that point it worked; it worked remarkably well, quite remarkably actually. For one of the Saturday activities, the Car Wash, kids wrote positive notes to the people in their Puzzle Groups and put them in an envelope or a jar. Two days ago I got a Facebook message from Brad Gill, one of my alumni from the 90’s. He wrote, “Family life is wonderful. I did go through a long drawn out nasty divorce. I made it through ok and have my daughters with me. Quite honestly there were many days/nights I thought of your words of encouragement and numerous times I pulled out my car washes both as student and alumni. If anything it always brought a smile to my face.” It is astounding to me how many kids told me through the years that they still had their Car Wash notes. I guess it shouldn’t be. When I left the high school I took my yearbooks, my pictures, my plaques and awards, and my Car Wash jars. I too still have all of my Car Wash jars.

For the weeks before the Retreat I would have been writing, editing, and practicing my talk for Friday evening. It would have been at least 30 minutes long, probably more likely 45 minutes; a few of them were an hour. I would have it virtually memorized. I would have been extremely nervous. Sleep would have evaded me for two or three weeks before and the week after. Hours and hours would have gone into both student preparation and my preparation.

Our first Retreat was in 1988; it evolved and grew quickly. The Retreat became in short order one of my favorite activities and experiences of the year. It was powerful. It made a difference. At times, it seemed magic. I have so many incredible memories of this “weekend in the woods.” Over time there was so much buy in. It was, in some ways, a simple activity; it was in many ways, quite complex and high risk. It moves me to think about it and remember.

After 36 years in the classroom I left Marysville-Pilchuck with a deep, profound, and enduring sense of gratitude for the privilege of having been a teacher.

I like my new career as a real estate agent; I was ready for change and I have embraced that change. I like the new schedule and the new challenges. I like working on the weekends and fishing during the week. I like the money. I'm writing three blogs and enjoying that. Besides "A Few Words" I'm writing a fishing blog: http://themrpblog.blogspot.com/ I also have started a real estate blog: http://jimpankiewicz.blogspot.com/

I like my new life a lot.

I have an inspection this morning for a home I sold last weekend. I won’t be traveling to Camp Killoqua. Not today.

I don’t want to live in the past. I remember the past. I live in the present. I work to build the future. Still, this day, the day that would have been the Retreat, I am remembering. I am remembering something that was special, something that was amazing, something that was magic.

In 2008, at our last Retreat, there were about 75 students, 16 Alumni, and 16 parents in attendance. Thank you to the students, alumni, and parents who made this such an incredible weekend through the years. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you so very much!

I decided to include the text of the Few Words from our last Retreat.

Where it says, "The Ending" there was a pause while I lit my candle, the Alumni lit there candles, and then passed the flame to each of the students, parents, and guests.



Retreat 2008—The Last One--"I Remember"

I remember. I remember. I remember. People say that I remember better than most people. I am a "rememberer". I didn’t realize that remembering disarmed people until I was well into my twenties. Little things like remembering what group sang a certain song makes people turn their heads. Remembering someone’s name makes them smile. Remembering a conversation word for word disarms people; to a degree, makes them nervous, and, in fact, I don’t like that. Remembering some alumni from 20 years ago and where he/she sat makes you laugh at me, heck it makes me laugh at myself.

I am a rememberer, yes I am. So what does this rememberer, remember? Well, I remember day 1, year 1. Suzanne Payne was the first kid to walk in my room; I told all of you that before. I remember Fred Zielie, Kathy Donnelly, Patty Arundell, Liz Warner, John Wade, Kevin McGowan, and many others from my first year of teaching. I remember being so darn hungry before it was time for lunch. I put food in my desk to get through the morning.

I remember organizing a bike-a-thon my second year for the local food bank. I remember Dana Campbell falling off her bike in the bushes and all we could see was the bottom of her tennis shoes. Time passes. I remember lots of individual memories. During my second year at the high school there were two boys who sat in the back of the room. Dave Rhode, not exactly the most serious student in the class, sat in front of Mike Sherman. It was common for Dave to be turned around talking to Mike or looking at his paper. Okay, maybe sometimes he might have been actually copying but definitely not all the time. It was so common for Dave to be turned around that it was an image that everyone in the class had of the back of the room, Dave turned around talking to Mike and then me saying, “Dave, turn around.” We were taking a test one day and the whole room was quiet. Out of the blue, Mike calls out, “No, no, no Rhode, don’t copy my name.” I remember laughing very hard at that as did the whole class. I remember laughing at so many things through the years.

I don’t remember everything you know. Just in the last few years, well I think it started in the last few years, I don’t remember, kids started saying to me, “Mr. P., you’re old. Yeah, you’re old. You been here, how long?! Ohhh…, you’re older than dirt!” Well let me tell you that’s not true. I’m not older than dirt. Dirt got here the year before I did so that’s something I don’t remember seeing happen.

I remember being disappointed. I remember the first time I realized one of my students was stealing from the store. I saw him put the money in his pocket. I was hurt. I remember the first time something of mine was stolen from the room. It was a black and white pocket calculator that I paid $5.00 for. Who took that darn thing? I remember feeling betrayed. I remember a couple of particularly bad years in our store. It wasn’t just one or two or three people, it was a whole bunch. Again, I felt betrayed. Through the years, I have been lied to and lied about, let down and disappointed--ready to be done with it all. I remember…

I remember the first time MPHS won the most awards of any school at Area competition. Was that last year or the year before? No, it was 1982. And you know I remember a kid or two from the class of ’82. Brian Hubbard, Sally, the Red Rocker, Johansen, Teresa Sauter, Steve Johnson, Debbie Dahlberg, our Presidents, Julie Hansen and Kathleen McCrae. I remember. Man what a class that was. I remember. Wow. I remember thinking, man I can do this job and I’ll never have a bad year as long as I teach. Famous last words… I remember getting my rear end kicked in the classroom the next year. It was ugly. The juniors were, the juniors were, the juniors were tough. Phew… they were tough. It was ugly. I went to college to be a CPA, not to be a teacher. The 1982-83 year was so rough that I got my accounting books out and thought it’s time for me to go back to school, finish the accounting degree, sit for the test and never look back. What would my life have been like if I had finished teaching in 1983? I don’t know. Well I didn’t finish teaching in 1983; I stayed with it. And I am so very, very glad I did. So very, very glad.

I remember lots of changes in fashion, slang, and music. For fashion, I remember the girls wearing leg warmers in the 80’s. I thought, well that makes sense, it’s keeping them warm and comfortable; there’s a piece of clothing that will never go out of style. I was wrong. During that same generation I remember that not only did kids wear polo shirts they wore two at a time, in coordinated colors, with the collars turned up. That was the guys and the girls alike. It’s funny now because it seems “old school”. I remember the dancing changing over the years. Break dancing in the late 80’s was loads of fun to watch; I remember that too. And now you’re break dancing again. Things connect.

I remember kids winning trophies and state offices and I remember them not winning. I remember kids being incredibly happy with their success and I remember some kids sobbing because of their disappointments. In 1996 I remember Heidi Ballenger losing her state office election by 5 votes, five crummy votes out of hundreds. I remember running 5 kids for state offices in 1990 and every one of them didn’t win. I remember Cindy Faulkner running for state Secretary in 1988. She made the cut for the last five, she survived the first ballot to get down to three. She survived the next ballot to get it down to just two. On the last ballot there was a tie. Out of about 300 votes there was a tie. We had five minutes of caucusing where kids walked around and tried to talk other delegates into changing their vote. They voted again and Cindy didn’t win. She cried pretty hard. She told me that she would make it to Nationals during her senior year by competing in Apparel & Accessories. She was second at Area I think. At state six qualified for Nationals that year. Cindy came in 7th by one point out of a possible 300. She cried again. I remember that. I certainly remember the disappointments that kids have faced. Some of those disappointments were decades ago and some of them were very recent.

I remember the triumphs, if that’s a good word. I remember the state offices we have won—quite a few actually. I remember the many trophies, the plaques and the scholarships. I remember the smiles, the beaming faces, and the sense of accomplishment that kids have had over the years. I remember taking kids to our Retreat, to leadership conferences, to Area, State, and National Competition. I have done some adding and through the decades I have taken over 2,000 kids somewhere overnight. Those are good memories. I remember the first Retreat we did in 1988. I wanted to do something more than competition. Competition worked for some kids but not all. That first Retreat we had 21 kids, two chaperones, and me. We had one big puzzle group. It actually worked remarkably well. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to expand it the next year but I didn’t know how to manage 3 or 4 puzzle groups so I asked some alumni to help me. In fact only one of them had been at the Retreat in 1988 and the other two had graduated the year before but I hoped they would help. I was humbled and grateful when all three of them said yes. Through the years more and more alumni helped. Again, I am so humbled and so very grateful. I remember…

The program has evolved and changed a lot through the years. There are some constants and there are things that have come and gone. My three goals have stayed constant for decades—teach you to sell, teach you to believe in yourself, and teach you to be leaders. In some cases that evolution or change occurred because I made it happen, in some cases kids initiated something and the program ran with it. In some cases, I guess things just changed.

I remember in the fall of 1993 one of my girls told me she had an idea and wanted to talk to me about it. She came in at lunch and said there are too many people trying to talk to you. I want your undivided attention for an hour. I answered her and said you will need to come in at 6:00 to have my undivided attention. She said she would be in the next day. I knew she would come but I thought sure she would be at least a little late. I got there at 6:02 and she was waiting by the door. She greeted me with, “You’re late!” I remember saying, “You’re right and I have no excuse. I apologize and it won’t happen again.” That girl’s name was Trehia and she wanted to put on a party for the Life Skills kids. She told me she needed me to get passionate about it so the classes would get passionate about it and then it would happen. I honestly didn’t really answer one way or another except to ask her questions. I did say I thought we were pretty busy already but that I would listen. I remember her telling me about the kinds of things the Life Skills kids were asking for and how badly they were getting ridiculed in the cafeteria. There was a point when I knew I was over the line, when she told me about the kid who wanted a blanket for his bed. That wasn’t an extra blanket, that’s the first one. That still gets to me when I think about it. We got that boy that blanket. I remember that I worried that there wouldn’t be kids to replace Trehia and Jayna the first chairs of the party. I worried that kids in future years wouldn’t want to care about this project. Every year there were new kids who stepped up, who were willing to care, to take time, to get outside of themselves, every year, every year. I remember. I remember.

In the spring of 2004 two of my junior girls, they were sisters, started talking to me about opening an espresso stand. They meant something serious and real. In the fall they brought it up more and more. We were staying after school talking about it and beginning to plan for it in a serious way. Sometimes we were there until 5:00 or 5:30 just planning for that project. There were a great many concerns to be worked out. We built that espresso stand and opened in November 2004. One of the questions they couldn’t answer that I largely had to gamble on was, who would care about this when you are gone? Well, again, kids have stepped up every year. I look back, I remember, every year someone has stepped up.

Because I’ve been at the high school for so many years, things, events, and people connect in lots of ways for me through the years. Lot’s of ways…

(Here tonight in our audience is Trehia, the girl who started the Life Skills Christmas Party. Here tonight are Kelly and Katey who got the Coffee Corner going. Kelly and Katey were also chairs for the Life Skills Christmas party. Things connect...)

A few minutes ago I told you a story about Dave Rhode. Well, he’s an adult now. He worked at Bry’s for years. In 1986 he purchased a store in Arlington. It’s called Unique Upholstery. He expanded the store to do floor coverings. He has been very successful and from what I understand he has a second shop in eastern Washington. The previous owner was Jim Duke. Jim ran the shop for years. He was quite good at it. Jim and his wife had two kids. They were twins—a boy named Tim and a girl named Terri. I had both of them in class. Back in the late 70’s we elected our W-DECA State Officers in the fall of the year in which they would serve rather than the spring before, like is done now. Tim and Terri Duke were twins but they had a little different approach to school. You might say that Tim didn’t care for school as much as Terri did. They were both nice kids and I enjoyed both of them but one of them was a little more serious student. At the end of their junior year Terri decided she was going to be a DECA State officer. She took some materials home to study in the summer. I remember that. I thought, wow, this kid is motivated; she’s got a chance to win. Whether she does or not chasing the office will be fun and a good experience for her. One night during the summer, Terri was driving home. It was the 70’s, we weren’t as seatbelt conscious then as now. She made a turn, caught some of the gravel on the shoulder and started to swerve. She overcorrected and rolled the car. I remember the call from her dad telling me she died. I remember.

I remember the very fluid, kind of free flowing conversations at lunch with kids through the years. For virtually my entire career I have had fourth period prep so I could work with kids during lunch. During that time we organized and planned projects, we practiced competitive events and speeches, we made stuff happen. During that time kids just talked with each other and with me some of the time. Some of those conversations were hilarious; kids would get laughing and just not be able to stop. Some of those conversations were difficult and painful. Through the decades there isn’t much I haven’t heard. Kids frustrations with each other and their teachers, hearts hurting from boyfriends and girlfriends, the aches and pains of growing up… More difficult things like abuse of every kind, totally dysfunctional families, abortions, deaths of parents and siblings, rapes… difficult things. I remember, I remember.

I remember Kelly Melum, our president in 1979. She kept in touch for several years. I remember when she brought her first son in to show me. He crawled on the floor while we talked. Sixteen years later he would sit in on of the chairs in my classroom as a student. I remember. I have only one class this year where I don’t have at least one student who’s parents I had in class. Time passes. It’s gone so quickly.

I remember weddings of students. There’s really something special about going to those. I remember visiting students in the hospital and being pretty scared a couple times when kid’s lives were in danger. I remember. I remember. It’s easiest to remember kids who come back to visit and I remember being energized by those visits from alumni.

My enduring favorite memory is when in one way or another one of you shows that you have gained confidence. Sometimes it is very visible to all around and sometimes it’s subtle. I remember seeing kids grow in skills and confidence. Those moments are special.

In 1996 the chairpersons of our Life Skills Christmas party were Jennifer and Sabrina. That same school year, in January or February of 1997, Jennifer and Sabrina went with Kara, one of our seniors, to a Rotary meeting. They were there to talk about projects we were working on. When it was almost time for Jennifer and Sabrina to talk they asked Kara to do it for them. Kara encouraged them and told them they could do it. The next school year Kara was an alumna here at our Retreat and Jennifer and Sabrina were seniors. Jennifer and Sabrina introduced some activities and did a lot to help get things planned. When the alumni were debriefing after the kids had left the discussion went around the table. A very simple, but for me I think very memorable and profound moment, was when Kara recounted the experience at Rotary the year before. She said, “I remember thinking how easy it had become for me to get up and speak but that they needed to learn it too.” She added, “I watched them here when they got up to talk and I knew what I had felt inside was what they were feeling inside, what happened for me was happening for them, and I knew they weren’t scared little girls anymore. What we do here makes a difference!” The best part of what she said was “WE”, what we do here makes a difference. She didn’t talk to me or about me; in fact she didn’t even look at me. I happened to be sitting next to her and she looked at the alumni across the table. They nodded. I love that she said “we”, what “WE” do here makes a difference. Through the years there has been so much “WE”, so many people have helped in so many ways. Just at this Retreat alone we have had about 225 or 230 chaperones and about 250 or 255 alumni. So much “WE”, so much “WE”. I am so grateful, so very grateful. I remember.


So here we are now. I remember the past and most of it is good. But we’re here now. You and I. I walked through these memories so that I could pose three questions. What will I remember about 36 years of teaching? What will I remember about this year? What will I remember about each of you? It is a memorable year to be sure.

It is a memorable year for me to be sure; it’s my last year at the high school. Tonight, only 57 days into the year there are many things I can’t see yet. There is a lot of the year left to unfold. We have set several goals for ourselves. I would like us to finish with a great Life Skills party. We are planning to do a Martin Luther King program in January. It sure looks like we will be doing a “Think About It” program at the Marysville Middle School and possibly at one or both of the other middle schools. That is more than enough to keep us very busy.

My first question was, “What will I remember about 36 years of teaching?” There is too much to say so at this point I will answer by saying simply that it was a privilege to be a teacher. My second question was, “What will I remember about this year?” There is still so much left to happen so I’m not sure how to answer my second question. My answer is I don’t know what I’ll remember about this year.

I am imagining now. I’m imagining myself 5 years, 10 years from now thinking back about the 2008-09 school year. It’s the year 2019 and I am remembering. I’ve been selling real estate for ten years now. You are all adults. You’re all still young but now you’re in your late 20’s. You’re not high school kids anymore. You’ve done all kinds of things. You have education, you have jobs, and some of you are married and have families. High school seems like a long time ago to you. It’s 2019 and I’m thinking about all of you. I’m remembering this year. Now the third question. What will I remember about you? Ten years from now what will I remember about YOU? Certainly I remember that I retired from Marysville-Pilchuck in 2009. I graduated with the classes of 2009 and 2010. I will remember that but that doesn’t answer the question.

Ten years from now when I close my eyes and think of this class, I won’t think that this year was or wasn’t my last year. I will think of you. No matter what else happens this year, I will think of you.

It’s 2019 now and my eyes are closed. I’m almost 70 years old. What will I remember about you? I’ll remember your special faces and the sound of your voices. I’ll remember laughing with you. I’ll remember that not only were you flexible and patient with the things we tried to take on, but that you looked for new opportunities. I’ll remember 32 new juniors that came in the door alert and alive. As I move through middle age I struggle some with remembering, particularly with short term memory. Ten years from now, I suspect things won’t be getting better. Still, I will remember you. I may stumble on your name, because, up here, things may get a little fuzzy as the years pass. There will always be another place that I will remember you. I will remember you in the place where I keep the things that count the most. Here, here in my heart, here in this place, the place where I keep the things that count the most. When I look back on this year ten years from now I will remember that it made me happy to see you come in the door each day. I will remember that you weren’t just fun to work with you were exciting. I will remember how much you grew in skills and confidence and I will remember that it was a privilege to be your teacher. Remembering your faces and the sound of your voices will make me smile. In 2019, I will remember that I valued you; I will remember that you were important to me. I will remember you were special to me. I will still feel a deep, profound, and enduring sense of gratitude. Ten years from now, twenty years from now finally, finally, FINALLY what I will remember most of all is that I loved you.


The ending

Each of you has a candle. When it is lit it is a tiny fire. It gives off a small amount of light, and a small amount of warmth. Fire. Light. And Warmth. I acknowledge the darkness. Not just the darkness from the setting sun. In all of life there is darkness. I acknowledge that darkness and I acknowledge that I can not keep the darkness from coming. In the face of darkness I light my candle. I light my candle as a simple symbol. A symbol of darkness overcome. Darkness overcome by the light of education. Your education--now that is something worth having, something worth chasing--something worth sweating for. Know that an education is so much more than fetching answers for a worksheet--so much more. Your education is a life-long process. We learn from books, from experience, from each other and from our mistakes. We can learn skills that will last us a lifetime.

I acknowledge self-doubt and I acknowledge that I can not keep it from coming at all times. In the face of self-doubt I light my candle. I light my candle as a simple symbol. A symbol of self-doubt overcome. Self-doubt overcome by the warmth of self-esteem. Basic self-esteem that most fundamental of leadership skills. Affirm yourself everyday. You deserve it so much.

I acknowledge fear and I acknowledge that I can not keep it from happening. In the face of fear I light my candle. I light my candle as a simple symbol. A symbol of fear overcome. Fear overcome by the fire we feel when we believe in ourselves and in each other. There is magic in believing. When you believe you can close your eyes and see the future. The past is just that--past and there is not one thing about the past that anyone can change. We live in the present. The future--the future--that is yours to create--yours to create. Your life is your own--claim the power that is within each one of you.

Do you wonder sometimes what you will be like in the future? Do you wonder what you will do when you graduate from high school? Do you wonder what does life hold for me? Where will I live? What will I do? Will I have nice things? Will I be married? Will I have a family? Will I be happy? Will I be able to face the challenges of life?

There is a part of me that knows that I can’t answer those questions for you down to the last detail. I know I can’t tell you exactly what your life will be like 30 seconds from now let alone years from now. I can’t even tell you what my own life will be exactly down to the last specific detail 30 seconds from now or in all of the years to come. Yet, there is an even bigger part of me that feels I can see the future. Yes I can see the future. With my eyes closed I can see the future. Inside of me I can hear your great voices and I can see your special faces. I know that we do not need to fear tomorrow. I know the leaders of tomorrow. You are leaders today and you are the leaders of tomorrow. Leaders in your homes and families -- leaders in your school and in your community -- leaders in business. You are leaders today and you are the leaders of tomorrow. Believe it; I do. Oh yes, I do.

Blow the candles out please. Sometimes the memory of the light will be all that is with you when it starts to get dark. Sometimes when your candle goes out you’ll wonder if it was even true. Did I just imagine it all? Is there any light? Is there any warmth? Is there anything to believe in? Is there? When your candle is out don’t spend too much time waiting for someone to light it for you. Spend your time lighting it yourself and helping someone to get theirs lit.
When you have the smallest fear or when fear paralyzes and consumes you--When you experience the smallest anxiety or when you just can’t seem to find the way. When darkness seems to be all around you--when your heart feels so very old--how do you light your own candle? How do you find the way again? The difference between the people who are making it and those who aren’t, the difference between the people who are happy and those who aren’t isn’t that life has always been so easy for them it is that they overcome the obstacles. They have faith that overcomes doubt. They have hope which overcomes despair. I am convinced that the way we talk to ourselves about our experiences is more important than the experiences themselves. The way we talk to ourselves helps us to process the past, to live in the present, and to create the future.

Some days, when I come home from school I feel like I could teach for 50 years. In year 50 I would be 72 years old. I don’t know if I can hold up that long. I might be old and foolish and an embarrassment to myself. Maybe not; maybe I’ll be goin’ strong. Somedays I feel like I can do it. Sometimes it’s Thursday and I wonder if I can make it to Saturday. I don’t always enjoy this job. Over the years I seen the highs and I seen the lows. Oh yeah. Sometimes have been very bad. I feel like I am ready to give up. The worst days of all are the ones when you ask yourself—what’s the point. The worst days of all are the ones when you say caring isn’t worth it. I just don’t want to care anymore. I look at all of you now and I take my frustrations and I put them aside. I put them aside with energy. I look at all of you now and I take my disappointments and I put them aside. I put them aside with enthusiasm. And I tell you so long ago, on the first day of the first year, I believed it was a privilege to be a teacher. And this day, right now, day 57, year 36 , in my heart, I still believe it is a privilege to be a teacher. Yes a privilege to be a teacher. I believe finally for only one reason. You--you are the reason.

As much as I am able to give and as much as you are able to receive, all of you together and each one of you individually, I want you to know, to know in your hearts, know this night my feeling, my affection, and my love for you is real. All of you together and each one of you individually I want you to know, know in your hearts, know this night, my respect for you is deep. All of you together and each one of you individually I want you to know, know in your hearts, know this night, above all else my belief in you is strong. My belief in you is strong. I want your belief in yourself to be so strong that no one can take it away from you. No one... I want your belief in yourself to be so real to you that you can give some away. In the end leaders empower others through their words and actions. To finish now--calmly—You are leaders today and you are the leaders of tomorrow. Leaders in your homes and families. Leaders in your school and in your community. Leaders in business. You are leaders today and you are the leaders of tomorrow. Believe it; I do, oh yes I do.

It is the weekend. Please be good. Drive your cars carefully. Ride with people who drive carefully. Treat yourself with respect. Spend time with people who treat you with respect. Treat other people with respect. Talk nice to yourself; you deserve it. I look forward to hearing from you or seeing you. Keep yourselves whole physically and emotionally.

P